Sunday, May 2, 2010

...and some thoughts on that last post


restore (elements regarded as disparate) to unity.
• restore to a position as a part fitting easily into a larger whole : it can be difficult for an offender to be reintegrated into the community.

That's my dictionary's definition.

It is my current mental battle. I am a little weirded out by how much less excitement there is about this upcoming 2 weeks of leave compared to last time Ben had mid-tour leave. I feel more guarded and calculating than I expected. There's still joy and excitement, driven by those warm rushes of "remembering" kicking in about how much I love him and what a joy it is to see my husband playing with our daughter.

Don't judge me too harshly on that last one....the "remembering" thing is Real, folks. You do forget. It's just like when a loved-one dies--you don't love them less as you heal and forget. It's just human nature. Time passes, heals, and the brain clamps down ever-efficiently on the "need to use" information, and lets go of mere sentimental memories. It's sad, alarming, sickening, and guilt-driving at times. But.....I push it aside, trusting, once again in God's goodness.

God is good. God's plan for us, our marriage, our a good one. I have to kind of cling to this as a promise, since my emotions tend to lie more in the realm of the afore-mentioned "alarming, sickening, and guilt-driving." I would even add "dread" to that list....when it comes to the part of reintegration that involves re-entering child-training with Violet. That was a very, very difficult time for us last time. I'm pretty skittish thinking about doing it again with a much older, far more willful 3-year old, who will now have the added drama of a new baby sister.

I don't have any major lightbulbs on this topic. Partly because it's evening, I'm pregnant, and I can't keep a thought in my head long enough to write it down. But, mostly because this is only my second time. Think about the second time you had to deal with a marital argument. Do you even remember that? Waaaay back then??? Remember how frightening it was? How helpless you felt? Well, here we are. Reintegration #2. We've done it once. Now it's time to do it again....with 2 children. One, a newborn, the other, a more aware, more willful 3-year old. Frankly, I'm petrified. I know we can complete this part of our lives victoriously, and with joy. I just.....want to soooo badly! I'm a little afraid of stumbling around so badly in the process that we come out scarred, with scarred children.

Part of me is a little petulant. I want this to be easy, I feel like we deserve pure joy at the homecoming, and not the "Dread" part. I know that's a sinful, selfish thought, however....and I battle that one daily. I allowed myself to indulge in that concept far too deeply last time, and it did me a disservice.

I'm going to leave this thought incomplete.....because I am feeling that way tonight. No brilliant or comforting answers, yet.

I know, as always, I need to root myself in Christ and take joy in Him in order to make it through this upcoming storm. I'm off to do some of that tonight.

Pray for us.


Jenny said...

Just a thought...I would think that this time might be a little easier for Violet to adjust to as she's older now and will remember Ben. Being only 3mo old last time when he left, she didn't KNOW him as anything other than someone on the computer until he came home. NOW, her memory will still be full of the daddy she knows from before he left. Praying for you all!!! (oh, and can't wait to have you back out here again;)).

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