This is just some of my late-night rambling....sparked by the "next thing" happening. My sister moved to Florida Monday, and now...there's just me left. Next is our Big Move back to Washington, then....Ben. My heart is stirring in me as this big change looms ahead of us.
Having someone you love wrenched away from you keeps your focus off of the present.....usually. Usually, I care very little for what we do while Ben's gone, and my heart is halfway "here", halfway in Iraq. Since Grace was born, I've had my focus kind of forced back into the present, in order to just make life happen. It takes a mammoth effort to get this sleep-deprived body to cook itself and its offspring meals, do their laundry, and keep bills paid and errands done. As a result, my heart has patched over its "Sadness holes" where I was prone to stumble and fall into when faced with night-time gazing at my newborn's wide eyes, daddies unexpectedly kissing their little girls, lovers' songs, too-big beds, and husbands holding their wifes' hands in front of me in church. All those holes.....got filled in with Just Surviving.
I read my friend's post tonight....she lost her tiny daughter nearly 2 months ago. Her heart is full of holes, and I know she hasn't been on "solid ground" in that respect for weeks and weeks. I was reminded, then, of what I was forgetting.....and I decided then and there that I'd rather have the holes there to remind me than to have them patched over with mere chores.
Though Chores rule my life right now, they are nothing compared to that haunting look I get from my husband's eyes which are planted in my daughter's precious tiny head. I want to be reminded again of what I am missing, even though it would uncover those holes, and I would be hopelessly stumbling into them all day long. I would rather the sharp pain of Remembering than the dullness of forgetfulness which is "Coping." I do not want to Cope if it means forgetting how my hands look when entwined in my husband's unbelievably large ones....and forgetting that choked-up feeling when our wedding rings click together. I would rather those tears of Missing Him be constantly in my eyes than the dullness of dry eyes that see nothing but laundry.
My goals have shortened themselves into 1. having one day where there is no laundry at the foot of the stairs to be taken to the basement. 2.having a fridge full of groceries 3. reading Violet a book 4. getting more than 2.5 hours sleep at one time......and some longer-term ones might be getting back into baking my own bread, exercising again.....you know.
Confession: I haven't written my husband a love letter in........I can't remember when I last did that. I haven't sent him a package........I can't remember that, either. I think, I have let the lure of The Present lull me into a state of forgetfulness. Its promises to dull the pain seduced me into slowly, slowly weaving a fabric of Activity over the "Sadness Holes"......and as they and the pain disappeared, so did a lot of my memory of my marriage. "Am I still married?" my subconscious asks.
I guess I got Ahead in my chores.....I even went running today. It always feels good......but pointless.
And now he'll be home in 2 months.......and I forget why I am supposed to be excited......but I know I should be......but I think I'm remembering a little at a time.....those hands twined in mine....I remember how that feels......and Violet remembers his "AD" socks (Adidas) when we go running.......it hurts like hell to remember what I have been missing for a year.......but I think I'll go ahead and remember for a while....and maybe I'll be ready when he comes home.