Musings

The relationship between God and us in the Garden of Eden began as perfect Trust. Now, we have the opened eyes, which see the infinity of God, and the chasm that separates us. Now, we see all the "what-ifs". What if my husband dies? What if I never get pregnant again? God, will my husband die? No answer. We don't know. What if, though? Would God DO something like that? We don't know. He could....that is the opened eyes seeing it....He could......and I wouldn't like it. So, tell me God, would you? No answer. All He says is, Trust me. Just trust me.

From a friend's blog:
"Conventional wisdom tells us that hope is a good thing. Hope is what gets us through difficulty. But over the years I've come to realize that hope is sometimes a slow torture. When hope keeps you anxious and bitter and stuck in some fantasy of the perfect nuclear family, then maybe hope isn’t what you need anymore. Maybe the most hopeful action one could take would be to abandon hope altogether." (As as side note, I think some people in some instances refer to this as closure.)

God, however, tells us not to lose Hope. How much easier it would be, when hope disappointed becomes too familiar a bitter taste in our mouths....how much easier it would be to simply let go of it, to assume the answer from God is, "Yes, I am killing your husband. No, you will never get pregnant again." and then just go ahead and deal with that already. Instead, God asks us to continue hoping, to go ahead and get all strung out on hope, like violin strings, tightly wound....always tuning up with disappointment one way, and revived expectation the other....always trying to get into tune to be ready to play the song God may at any time reach down and coax from the instrument. Ok, a bit overdrawn on the metaphor. However, it sometimes does feel like I'm being played by God.

Again, the mental conversations I have in my head: "So, what if that last time I saw him..handing me his cell phone--the last bit of string we had binding us together... walking away from our family van in his ACU's and crunching his booted feet on the gravel........what if that truly was the last time I'll ever see him?" Does God know the answer to that? Yes. Will He tell me? No. What does He ask of me? Trust. Just....trust. Which, of course, means just endure the mind battles of imagination (I.E.D's claiming my husband's life, snipers from rooftops piercing his armor, killing him, being shot by RPG's and bleeding to death....) and say, "I trust you, God....even if it's THAT."

Job.......the legend.....the real man.....all his sons and daughters slain in one single day......gave the ultimate example. Tore his robe.....and told God it was His choice all along. "Naked I came from my mother's womb, And naked I shall return there. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD."

Of course, that was his initial reaction to the tragedy. As the days passed and his heart took in more of the gruesome reality (I imagine) he had other things to say, question...the rest of the book, of course.

I don't really have a conclusion to this. I am just allowing the frustrated thoughts to flow from my fingertips. Obviously, I have not resigned myself to Hope, to be stretched out and played like a violin....I almost hourly fight with a fear so thick that I can taste it .....of losing my husband. Yes, it is a possibility. Yes, God can do that if He wants to. No, I don't understand it. But, I can recite the mantra...God's thoughts are not my thoughts....and in the end, it is His Kingdom that is unseen that will become seen, and the things that are of this world, including marriage and family and parenthood...these things will fade away. Is that hope? Does that count as trust? I hope it's good enough. It's all I can manage at the moment.