Friday, March 27, 2009

Coming Soon...

So, folks, we are finally beginning to see some warmer weather. I adore the summers out here, they are mild, sunny, rain-free, and green, green, green! However, the warm breezes this time carry some bitterness with them. With the sun comes Deployment: 12 long months of separation are coming up......and with them comes the constant feeling of lack and feeling robbed of my enjoyment of my daughter's growth and development. I am *not* looking forward to being a single parent again. I am *not* looking forward to being the Third Wheel at parties and events. I am *not* looking forward to that Raw state of mind where love songs, movies about war, the sight of Daddies with their kids, and cheesy email forwards about heroic deeds make me weep.

I mentioned before how I'm hoping to make this time a Victorious one, not a time of hibernation and battening the hatches. Somehow, I was hoping that the determination to praise the Lord would sweeten the time for us. However, I now see that it will not. The closer it comes, the more frequent the flashbacks are......I'll be shopping with Violet and see a young man with an infant in a carrier, and my heart will automatically pulse with sadness, before remembering that Ben is actually HERE now!

I now see that the sadness and pining will be as bitter as ever before.......and just like during labor..... the relaxation, the giving-in, the breathing and focusing are NOT to help relieve the pain. Their purpose is to let the body do its work of birthing a child into the world---in spite of the pain.

So, here it comes...... and it will be painful. But, I will breathe and pray and lift up my hands to the Lord. And perhaps He will birth something in us both that is Holy.


Jenny said...

At least this time you'll be with your close family. Hopefully you can take some comfort and joy and distraction from that:) I know it won't replace Ben, but surround yourself with the love of those that love you! We're praying for you guys!

Denise said...

Oh Susi, you made me cry reading this... I cannot imagine... I mean.... *sighs* I just promise to pray for you, Violet and Ben.

You know, we have both separately been convicted about how we should be handling this deployment in terms of spiritually. Sometimes there are really hard days, especially doing the single parenting thing now too. I 2nd guess everything I do when Elyana is having a hard time and crying over something I can't figure out.... Anyway, I relate of course, but on such a smaller scale, Susi, since we only do 70 days at a time.

Anyway, my heart breaks for you guys. But I do know God promises to restore the years the locust have eaten. I pray that again and again. There is nothing GOOD about a deployment, but God can and will redeemn every day apart, and He will receive every sacrifice of praise you and Ben offer to Him. You are forming a Life Testimony.

Love you all lots. Take every day you can and make memories to hold onto when the days are long.

Herb of Grace said...

Excellent analogy. The thing in labor is to keep focusing on what is coming, the thing being birthed. If you can just focus on that, it all becomes worthwhile.

Matt and Laurie Beardsley said...

Aww, Sus. Your post made me cry too. I'm so sorry that you have to do this again, and so grateful to Ben for what he is doing for all of us. It's not fair and it must be so hard. I will be praying for you all and please please, if the mood strikes you to hope on a plane, come visit us in S.F. We would love to have you, and I know that Joey would love to play with Violet and I'd love to meet her again!! (and see you of course!!)

Joy G said...

Susi, what a nasty thing all of it is...the waiting, the actual event, and the afterward. I'm sorry you have to through this again. I will be praying for you all the time. Meanwhile, we can meet while you're still here and you can even come back to visit/stay after you've moved "over there".