So, folks, we are finally beginning to see some warmer weather. I adore the summers out here, they are mild, sunny, rain-free, and green, green, green! However, the warm breezes this time carry some bitterness with them. With the sun comes Deployment: 12 long months of separation are coming up......and with them comes the constant feeling of lack and feeling robbed of my enjoyment of my daughter's growth and development. I am *not* looking forward to being a single parent again. I am *not* looking forward to being the Third Wheel at parties and events. I am *not* looking forward to that Raw state of mind where love songs, movies about war, the sight of Daddies with their kids, and cheesy email forwards about heroic deeds make me weep.
I mentioned before how I'm hoping to make this time a Victorious one, not a time of hibernation and battening the hatches. Somehow, I was hoping that the determination to praise the Lord would sweeten the time for us. However, I now see that it will not. The closer it comes, the more frequent the flashbacks are......I'll be shopping with Violet and see a young man with an infant in a carrier, and my heart will automatically pulse with sadness, before remembering that Ben is actually HERE now!
I now see that the sadness and pining will be as bitter as ever before.......and just like during labor..... the relaxation, the giving-in, the breathing and focusing are NOT to help relieve the pain. Their purpose is to let the body do its work of birthing a child into the world---in spite of the pain.
So, here it comes...... and it will be painful. But, I will breathe and pray and lift up my hands to the Lord. And perhaps He will birth something in us both that is Holy.