So, after such a depressing post last time, I figured I owe it to my readers to share the brighter side of my life a little. Truly, God does allow times for mourning, and times for rejoicing. I might add that...in my experience....one must haul oneself out of the Time for Mourning into the Time for Rejoicing. Otherwise, it might never come.
In my case, I am on a learning cycle with this one. I grieve, I mourn, I weep, I cry out for help, I wait for answers, I demand comfort......then I remember that it's actually still my move. God has already given the Gift (salvation and his Holy Spirit)....it is my duty to stand up, strengthen my weak knees, and lift up my hands. My Mom used to call this, "The sacrifice of praise." Ever wonder what the psalmist meant by that? Surely, I used to think, praise came from a heart overflowing with joy and thanksgiving. Was it such a sacrifice to offer up the welling joy in praise? Well, now I understand. We must praise. And in times it feels better to weep and mourn, it is then that praise becomes a sacrifice. And, just as in most Old Testament sacrifices, once the gift is on the altar, the fire comes down from heaven, and the Holy Spirit consumes it. Or you. Me.
This is the power in Holy Spirit-living. This is what is keeping me going when my heart literally faints within me over missing my husband. My friend, Denise, said recently in a f/b post, the fact that these deployments get harder and harder just illustrates how much more deeply we fall in love with our husbands. As we grow closer, the separations are more and more painful. This one, for us, is just sickeningly hard. I sometimes feel like no time at all has passed.....We've been at the 2 month mark for YEARS. How can I ever make it another 9 without touching the face of the one I love? The hardship of watching our precious child grow up without the nurture and closeness of her father is excruciating at times. No pleasure of parenting, fellowship, excitement, or anything this life has to offer is not tinged with the hollow bitterness of missing the one I love.
So, it is in that low state of mind that the Holy Spirit reminds me that even in the "completeness" of marital joy.......there is nothing eternal. Remember? Then I do.......I remember. And, I remember what one thing I can have complete joy in doing all by myself.....alone....before God. And that is worship. It is hard....I would rather continue mourning, but....my hands go up, and I start singing the first worship piece that comes into my head (sometimes with a pout on my lips, too, oh yes!).......and God comes down. It is like oil and wine on my head.
God. Is. Faithful. That is all I have left to say. He WILL draw near to us when we draw near to Him. And we WILL find complete fulfillment, even in the depths of despair and loneliness.
Thus ends my sermon to myself. :)